In my work I help people to heal and to find more constructive ways to communicate with and love their partners. Having tools to diffuse strong negative emotions and deescalate conflict is especially important in our closest relationships, where we are most likely to have our buttons pushed…sometimes to the point of feeling possessed by pain.

In the May 2011 post I discussed limbic hijacks and suggested some ways to address them from Dr. Patricia Allen. Limbic hijacks happen when our brains are trying to protect us from life threatening conditions and infrequently serve vital survival functions. Limbic hijacks occur when people under stress experience a flashback to previous traumatic circumstances, or feel threatened and unsafe by things that, in their adult balanced state, would not be perceived as dangerous at all. In these instances, we can lose touch with the present and our adult selves as the limbic system takes over to protect and defend…either via an emotional outpouring, fighting, or fleeing.

In this blog entry, I will draw upon Buddhist teachings to introduce four elements of true love said to serve as antidotes to negativity and present some additional strategies to diffuse limbic hijacks; to melt fear-based defensiveness and allow relatively quick returns to mindfulness and connection.

New Strategies To Diffuse Limbic Hijacks Drawing Upon Buddhist Teachings

In the Brahmavihara, Buddhists assert that we all possess valuable resources that elevate us and allow us to act in noble and great ways. These virtues are called the Four Boundless States or Sublime Virtues. These teachings posit that, whereas destructive vices seem natural and spontaneous in all of us, every vice has an opposite virtue that serves as an antidote to the specific negative emotion.

According to this theory, the vices cannot coexist with the virtues, so tapping into those positive emotions shifts us out of the destructive states of mind. The virtues, though inherent, don’t appear to be automatically employed, but are within range of all people who intentionally strive to overcome their vices and to cultivate their innate virtues. Buddhists believe that the Four Sublime Virtues are limitless and should be extended toward ourselves and all beings without exception.

In his book, “True Love: A Practice for Awakening the Heart,” Thich Nat Hanh sums up the Brahmavihara by identifying Four Elements of True Love. Far from our Western ideals of romantic love, I encourage you to consider that incorporating these elements into our primary relationships are likely to transform them in seemingly miraculous ways and allow us to experience much more satisfying intimacy over time.

The Four Elements of True Love

Thich Nat Hanh asserts that love is about making time to be in the here and now, bringing your true presence to the moments of your life. As you read through these four elements I challenge you to observe to what degree you love yourself and others in these fundamental ways. How might your life and relationships change if these elements were consistently present?

1. Loving kindness: the desire to make someone happy…to bring joy to a beloved person and the ability to bring joy and happiness to the person you love. Requisite: deep looking directed toward the person you love. The idea is that understanding is love. We must observe and look deeply to love.

2. Compassion: the desire to ease the pain of another person and ability to do so. This calls for deep looking to understand the nature of the suffering of this person in order to be able to help him or her to change. Knowledge and understanding is always at the root of this practice. The practice of understanding is the practice of mediation. To meditate is to look deeply into the heart of things.

3. Joy: if there is no joy in love, it is not true love. If you are suffering all the time, if you make the person you love cry, this is not really love—it is the opposite.

4. Freedom: when you love—bring freedom to the person you love. Provide them with the space to be who they really are. Love in such a way that the person you love feels free not only outside, but also inside.

Common Vices and Their Virtuous Antidotes

What virtues can be employed as antidotes to shift from negative emotional states into positive states? How can we regain control of ourselves when seemingly possessed by toxic mental states? The Brahmavihara posits that we can liberate ourselves and those we care about from the evil clutches of our darker emotions by choosing to focus on the following opposite virtuous mind states.

1. Anger is subdued by loving kindness.

2. Cruelty is subdued by compassion.

3. Jealousy is subdued by joy.

4. Addiction to pleasure and control is subdued by freedom.

Suggested Meditations

Thich Nat Hanh provides the following suggested meditations to help emerge out of negative, hijacked states and regain control and perspective. You can use these for yourself or say them out loud to others who are having a hard time.

If “My dear” or “Dear one” seem antiquated to you, of course feel free to substitute a more suitable term of endearment!

1. Breathe, you are alive!

2. Breathing in, I am calming myself. Breathing out, I am smiling.

3. I am determined to practice deep listening. I am determined to practice loving speech.

4. Breathing I know that I am breathing in; breathing I know that I am breathing out.

5. My dear, I am really here for you (smiling).

6. Dear one, I know that you are here, and it makes me very happy.

7. Breathing in, I know that beauty is here, breathing out, I smile at the beauty.

8. I know that you are here and I am very glad about it.

9. Dear one, do you have enough space in your heart and all around you?

10. Dear one, I know that you are suffering –that is why am here for you.

11. Dear one, I am suffering so much. Please help.

Tools to Shift from Negativity and Conflict into Connection and Mindfulness

In a situation where people are screaming words that don’t make sense to you at the top of their lungs, the words and even the content are not the point. In effect, they are communicating that they are terrified, jealous, sad, and/or confused. Instead of getting annoyed at them because they are not acting as logical as you expect them to be at the moment that they need comfort and cherishing, try to nurture your loved ones, empathize, and share.

Instead of trying to discuss anything or to risk engaging in any discussion likely to incite defensiveness and irrational attempts to justify a fear-based and distorted position, try the following tools (summarized from the work of Dr. Patricia Allen and Thich Nat Hanh’s explanation of the Brahmavihara).

1. Be confident that you can nurture
yourself and the other person until a
solution is found. Try not run away
from pain, take it personally, or
expect to handle it alone.

2. Breathe deeply into your core to calm
yourself down.

3. Count and do math to connect to your
logical left brain and retain or regain
neutrality and perspective.

4. Connect to compassion and love and
try saying over and over “I love you
and I am really here for you. I know
that you are suffering –that is why
am here for you.”

5. Don’t say a word. When and if they
seem open to it, hug the activated
loved ones, even though they are
hostile. This will help them to relax
and reconnect with their rational self.

6. When you and the other person are
feeling much more calm say: “I hear
your pain, but I haven’t got a clear
idea of what you’re in pain about.
Can you talk more about it?”

7. Consider making the following pledges in the interest of improving your relationships:

I promise to cherish my loved ones, even when they are irrational, irritating, and totally illogical.

I promise to respect my loved ones and their thoughts, suggestions, ideas, and plans, even when I know I am smarter and can do it better.

Don’t be afraid to try out these tools. They may sound simple but they work. Please be kind to yourselves and one another. I’m here for you–let me know if you need anything!

Warm regards,

Lisa

_____________________________________________

What is it about falling in love, being moved by artistic or musical masterpieces, and laughing with abandon that is so powerful?  Our consciousness opens in the moments when we are deeply moved, in awe, or challenged.  Knowing this, to confuse our habitual thought processes and shock the mind into present moment awareness, Zen masters use kōans, which consist of a story, question, or statement that doesn’t make rational sense.  One widely known kōan is “Two hands clap and there is a sound; what is the sound of one hand?”   Such confusing moments help us open our minds enough to step outside of our limiting patterns and to be receptive to the surprising new possibilities that may present themselves to us in any given moment.  As helpful as they can be at times, logic and common sense help us navigate the known, but do not lead to transformational shifts and innovation.

The most brilliant discoveries in any endeavor or field come from inherently creative spaces… exploratory…wild….where things open up and the question is “what if?”  Opening up the mind and going beyond perceived limitations can be unpredictable and uncomfortable…but for those of us interested in the pursuit of transformation, why limit ourselves to the existing and actual?  Why not play with and follow out implications towards infinity; why not?

Psychology is a relatively young field; it has only been an independent scientific discipline separate from philosophy since the 1870s. What if the predominant model is too linear, reductionist, normative, and based upon an abnormal view of behavior?  What if the current diagnostic model of the mental health establishment is too entwined with political and economic factors to represent a consistently valid method for healing psychological problems?

Perhaps, as founder of Network Spinal Analysis chiropractic Donny Epstein proposes, all we can control is where we put our focused attention.  If we focus on limitation and assumptions about what is known, we are unlikely to grow, to improve, or to discover our potential.  In his book “Excuses Begone,”  Wayne Dyer asserts that who we are is determined first and foremost by what we believe.  Based on my own experience working with the subconscious, I agree with him that, by changing our beliefs, we can change who we are.  Again and again, I have witnessed how, as he says, “our beliefs, all of those formless energy patterns that we’ve adapted as our self-image, have the ability to change dramatically and to give us the power to conquer unwanted traits, or what we unhappily presume to be our fate.”

Clients come to me for help achieving many ambitious goals, all of which lie outside of their comfort zones.  In order to become truly self-actualized, blocks must be removed and barriers must be broken to get out of the comfort zone.  It is empowering and valuable to challenge the known and reject limiting paradigms in the path to achieving our potentials.

In my opinion, although we can identify trends and predict outcomes, we simply cannot always know what will happen or what is possible.  The moment we accept and lock into any one limiting belief we contribute to subconscious efforts to align our life experiences and perceptions with that assumption.

The more we explore, the more we discover that our seemingly logical perceptions are influenced by the vast and nebulous world of dreams and the subconscious. Questions open us up.  Questions acknowledge the evolutionary nature of life and living.  Questions help us push the limits…help to change the game.  Assuming nothing.  Taking nothing for granted, we open to the possible.  What if there is always a core of fearless strength and vast connection to a creative Source? What if deep down all of us are whole and complete?  What else might be possible then?

I love empowering people to overcome blocks and achieve their goals.  If you feel stuck in any area, I am happy to use all of my various skills and tools to guide you as you learn to increasingly trust yourself and free yourself from limiting contexts, patterns of thought, and behaviors. I can help you relax and move forward in your life toward mental, physical, and relational health in ways that support your optimal potential.  There’s no need to suffer in silence… please contact me for if you’re feeling stressed and stuck.  Just let me know what’s happening and we can take it from there.

Warm regards,

Lisa

Please visit my website at http://www.drlisaleit.com for more information. Feel free to contact me at (512) 921-3630 to discuss how I can help and/or feel free to register for and use my online scheduling system to set up an appointment:

https://www.securedata-trans12.com/ap/drlisaleit/index.php?page=10

The power of positive thinking and creative visualization as key to success is widely celebrated and encouraged by proponents of The Law of Attraction.  The idea is that what we focus on grows…and that focusing on the negative (for example: “I don’t want to be late” rather than on a more positive, “I want to be punctual”) increases the likelihood that the undesired outcome will manifest.  While few will argue with the transformative power of happiness and positivity, it is difficult to achieve positive focus without suppressing and denying the very real negative emotions that naturally occur when things in our lives don’t feel altogether hunky dory.

To illustrate this point, one of my clients told me about a hilarious Seinfeld episode in which Frank is advised to use the mantra ”Serenity Now” to calm himself down.  As the root causes and built up energy of the stress isn’t addressed he has trouble using the mantra to self regulate, instead, he begins yelling “Serenity Now” aggressively at people, illicting their toxic responses.   By the end of the episode another character blames Frank’s phrase“Serenity Now” for his insanity, saying “Serenity Now….Insanity Later!” In the end, Frank’s father advises him to instead use the phrase “Hootchie Mama” perhaps hoping that humor will help him stay cool and collected more than denying his angst.

I believe that happiness and positivity are goals, and that to get to the goals, sometimes the only way to authentically, effectively get there is to accept, allow, forgive, and release negativity.  If we are in right instinct, all our emotions can serve to give us valuable information about what to know or what to do.  If we are angry, the anger can indicate that something is wrong and that we need to have a boundary or do something to protect or care for ourselves or others.  If we are sad, it can indicate that something valuable to us has been lost.  Problems occur when our negative emotions get stuck and stored and pressurized such that they can serve as land mines in our psyches that can be inadvertently triggered, causing us to feel out of control and in some cases do harm to ourselves or others.  This disconnect can be considered “insanity”  in that our perceptions and logic are compromised such that we don’t feel capable of calmly and confidently meeting the challenges of the moment.

Overriding or ignoring our emotions with strategies such as the “Serenity Now” mantra can keep us in situations that don’t work well for us and can ironically keep us locked in the very patterns that cause and perpetuate negativity and “insanity”.  We’ve all heard the adage that insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.  Well, without change there is no change, and often people make needed adjustments in their attitudes and behavior when they are simply too exhausted and irritated with the way things are going to continue business as usual.I believe that all emotions can be positive if they are seen as helpful signals, listened to, understood, forgiven, and released.  Humans don’t tend to enjoy pain; sometimes pain can be an incentive to improve.  If we really feel how painful it is to do something that hurts ourselves or others it is unlikely that we will keep doing it.  What we resist persists, so why not try accepting rather than attempting to control the uncontrollable?

I agree with proponents of the Law of Attraction in that I believe that we need to choose to be happy and successful in order to attract positive people and opportunities into our lives.  I also believe that it is essential to address the negative emotions that arise, learn from them, and to make needed adjustments as appropriate in order to clear the way for all the abundance that we are capable of attracting.

In keeping with this idea of resisting nothing, but choosing the best, here is a profound prayer that another dear client shared with me last week:

The Welcome Prayer, by Father Thomas Keating:

Welcome, welcome, welcome.
I welcome everything that comes to me in this moment
because I know it is for my healing.

I welcome all thoughts, feelings,
emotions, persons,
situations and conclusions.

I let go of my desire for security.

I let go of my desire for approval.

I let go of my desire for control.

I let go of my desire to change any situation,
condition, person or myself.

I open to the love and presence of God
and to the healing action and grace within.

AMEN

I love empowering people to overcome blocks and achieve their goals.  If you feel stuck in any area, I am happy to use all of my various skills and tools to guide you as you learn to increasingly trust yourself and free yourself from limiting contexts, patterns of thought, and behaviors. I can help you relax and move forward in your life toward mental, physical, and relational health in ways that support your optimal potential.  There’s no need to suffer in silence… please contact me for if you’re feeling stressed and stuck.  Just let me know what’s happening and we can take it from there.

Warm regards,

Lisa

In my work with couples, many clients report interactions where one partner becomes extremely emotional, says/does hurtful things and appears irrational.  After partners gush painful feelings in a torrent of raw emotionality, the recipients often feel beaten up, confused, and tricked.  Again and again, I have heard these types of comments:  “I thought I knew him!  Who is this person?” “She is crazy!  That doesn’t make any sense!”  Unfortunately, in such cases when they try to address and correct the irrationality, fix the perceived problem, and/or criticize or dismiss their partners as “crazy” it can lead to conflict and argument that can erode and destroy their relationship dynamics.

In a situation where people are screaming words that don’t make sense to you at the top of their lungs, the words and even the content are not the point.  In effect, they are communicating that they are terrified, jealous, sad, and/or confused.  Instead of getting annoyed at them because they are not acting as logical as you expect them to be at the moment that they need comfort and cherishing, try to nurture your loved ones, empathize, and share.  Be confident that you can nurture them until a solution is found.  Try not run away from pain, take it personally, or expect them to handle it alone.

So what is going on when someone you love appears illogically possessed by toxic emotions?  Probably a limbic hijack.  The limbic system is the primary seat of emotion, attention, and memory and helps to determine whether you feel positive or negative towards something and what gets your attention.  It also contributes to human flexibility, unpredictability, and creative behavior.  In the lower limbic system primary emotions such as fear and involuntary reactions to unexpected stimuli that seem hard-wired can hijack the brain—causing emotions to overwhelm reason.

Certain events act as “stressors,” triggering the nervous system to produce hormones to respond to the perceived danger. Specifically, the adrenal glands produce more adrenaline and cortisol, releasing them into the bloodstream. This speeds up heart and breathing rates, and increases blood pressure and metabolism. These and other physical changes help us to react quickly and effectively under pressure.  This is known as the “stress response,” or more commonly, as the “fight or flight response.” But if even low levels of stress go on too long, it can be detrimental to one’s health. The nervous system remains slightly activated and continues to pump out extra stress hormones over an extended period, leaving the person feeling depleted or overwhelmed, and weakening the body’s immune system.

Research suggests that men and women tend to experience limbic hijacks differently due to key differences in brain functioning. Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania found that functional magnetic resonance imaging of men and women under stress showed neuroscientists how their brains differed in response to stressful situations. In men, increased blood flow to the left orbitofrontal cortex suggested activation of the “fight or flight” response. In women, stress activated the limbic system, which is associated with emotional responses.

Limbic hijacks happen when our brains are trying to protect us from life threatening conditions and infrequently serve vital survival functions.  They can save your life by causing you to take fight or flight action faster than your conscious perception would normally allow.  An example is seemingly involuntarily and instantly taking some kind of action that saves your own or another’s life such as swerving out of the way of an oncoming truck.

More commonly, limbic hijacks occur when people under stress, experience a flashback to previous traumatic circumstances, or feel threatened and unsafe by things that, in their adult balanced state, would not be perceived as dangerous at all.  In these instances, they can lose touch with the present and their adult selves as the limbic system takes over to protect and defend…either via an emotional outpouring, fighting, or fleeing.   It is important to realize what is happening so that you don’t think that your loved ones actually mean the hurtful things they may say or do in such a heightened, protective state.  The top priority is safety…for you, and for the person who is acting out in pain.

Author Dr. Patricia Allen suggests the following strategies when dealing with  a limbic hijack:

Don’t say a word, just hug the activated loved ones, even though they are hostile.  This will help them to relax and reconnect with their rational self.

Say:  “I hear your pain, but I haven’t got a clear idea of what you’re in pain about.  Can you talk more about it?”
There are several easy, practical things people can do to reduce the amount of stress in their lives. (1) Be realistic and don’t try to be perfect, or expect others to be so. (2) Accept your emotions, allow them to exist, forgive them, and release them.  (3) Don’t over-schedule; cut out an activity or two when you start to feel overwhelmed. (4) Get a good night’s sleep. (5) Get regular exercise to manage stress — just not excessive or compulsive exercise — and follow a healthy diet. (6) Learn to relax by building time into your schedule for reading or a nice long bath.

Both reason and emotions are essential to sound decision-making.  Often more logical, analytical people are troubled by the expression of strong emotions when it apparently eclipses rationality and can be dismissive of the adaptive value of emotions.  It is important to know that balance of reason and emotion is optimal.  Approaching a situation from only an emotional perspective can be limiting and destructive, but research shows that a purely logical approach doesn’t yield the most sensitively attuned, and therefore constructive decisions. Even when decisions seem to be purely rational, they are likely to be influenced by intuition and emotional input.

In her article Emotions with Reason, Rosalind Picard, NEC development professor of computers and communications and associate professor of media technology at the MIT Media Laboratory shares the following insights into why emotions are key:

Findings on the importance of emotions for rational decision making seem paradoxical. They are based on a remarkable story told by A.R. Damasio about the patient “Elliot.” Elliot, and patients like him, have a particular kind of brain damage that affects a circuit between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala, a communication channel between the neocortex and limbic system that appears to be essential for secondary emotions. At first glance, Elliot appears to be like Star Trek’s Spock - emotionally unexpressive, unusually rational. One might think that Elliot would therefore be superb at making rational decisions. However, unlike the fictitious half-human Spock, Elliot’s lack of emotions severely impairs his decision-making ability and causes tragedies in his business and personal life.

Although Elliot’s IQ and cognitive abilities are all normal or above average, when confronted with a simple decision, such as when to schedule an appointment, he disappears into an endless rational search of “well, this time might be good” or “maybe I will have to be on that side of town so this time would be better,” and on and on. Although a certain amount of indecisiveness is normal, Elliot apparently doesn’t experience the usual feelings of embarrassment when someone stares at him for taking so long to make up his mind. Nor is the indecision accompanied by the healthy limbic responses that normally associate positive or negative feelings with certain decisions, responses that help us limit a search by nudging us away from possibilities with bad associations. Instead, Elliot tends to search an astronomical space of rational possibilities and seems unable to learn the links between dangerous choices and bad feelings; so he repeatedly makes bad decisions. Elliot’s lack of emotions severely handicaps his ability to function rationally and intelligently.

In other words, not only does too much emotion wreak havoc on reasoning, but also, paradoxically, too little emotion wreaks havoc on reasoning. Apparently, a balance is needed: not too much emotion, not too little emotion. Computers, except for HAL, do not have enough emotion. Artificial intelligence systems to date are not unlike Elliot: they have above-average knowledge (usually consisting of a huge set of rules) of some area of expertise, but are disastrous at making decisions. They are too rational; they cannot associate judgments of value and salience with their decisions. Little has been done to imitate these judgments, which are essentially products of the limbic system, in computers.

So it appears that both logic and emotions are key to brain functioning and good decision making.  What should you do if you and/or your partner experience a limbic hijack and begin to react in an extremely emotional or overly analytical perspective?  Remember that ultimately both the ability to feel and to reason are very important, and that, because fear or an involuntary reaction has been inadvertently triggered, your partner needs comfort and help during such a time.  S/he just needs some help coming back to balance, and to know that those feelings will be accepted, even if not approved of or understood.

Consider making the following pledges in the interest of improving your relationships (again, from Dr. Patricia Allen):

I promise to cherish my loved ones, even when they are irrational, irritating, and totally illogical.

I promise to respect my loved ones and their thoughts, suggestions, ideas, and plans, even when I know I am smarter and can do it better.

Be kind to yourselves and one another!!

Warm regards,

Lisa

I want to propose that living authentically, being real, and showing vulnerability demonstrates true strength. Working towards ongoing progress, not perfection is as good as it gets. Real people can make genuine changes in themselves and their lives and have genuine relationships. Real people can learn about what they actually want and need and find ways to be fulfilled. Real people aren’t afraid of being revealed as flawed, because *surprise *–we all are.

So what is so seductive about appearing perfect and why is change so difficult? Deep down, I believe that we are all complete. Not perfect, but complex and whole. We fear that this is not true, and that actually we are unlovable and inadequate. Our mind tries to protect us from the vulnerability of feeling pain because it isn’t sure that we can handle it or survive it. To combat this, out of fear we project an ego-based false front to keep from being revealed as flawed and broken. Unfortunately, this mentality can keep us from connecting to our true selves and we can get stuck in the mind instead of the body. We can begin to ruminate, replaying the same limiting thoughts about ourselves, others, and “the way things are” over and over like a broken record. These ruminations can be so depressing and dark that we are compulsively led to seek oblivion or respite through any number of acting out behaviors. Food, alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, and relationship drama are a few of the usual suspects. As we all know, these strategies don’t work for any length of time, and actually create more reasons for us to fester and ruminate upon negative thoughts…perpetuating the negative behaviors. Wash, Rinse, Repeat.

The good news is that vulnerability and feeling exactly what we have been working so hard to avoid can set us free of limiting thoughts and behaviors quickly and easily. Years ago, I learned from teacher and spiritual coach Blair Knies that pain is actually simply energy in the body. She teaches feeling and releasing the energy without judgment or thought. Another Austin teacher and therapist Lynne Ariel, uses a technique she calls Emotional Aikido to identify and release negative energy and emotions. Similar techniques, encouraging people to use triggering events in their lives to serve as gateways to feel and release toxic old emotional energy, are described in the book Undefended Love, A Practical Guide to Exceptional Relationships, by Dr. Jett Psaris and Dr. Marlena S. Lyons. Using what I have learned from these and other sources, I have been working with feeling, accepting, allowing, forgiving, and releasing any energy that comes up inside me for a few years now, and helping clients to do the same with great success.

One very masculine, courageous client sat across from me at the beginning of a session to explore his fears in order to change some undesirable behaviors. He said to me that he was more terrified in that moment, about to face his fears and inner “demons” than ever before in his life—more afraid than when he was a solider in Vietnam, engaged in battle. When he left my office, radiant and relieved 45 minutes later, he realized that that which he had feared so vehemently was, in actually, simply not that big a deal. Why? He had already survived the traumatizing incidents we revisited. All we did was connect to the stuck and stored trauma energy so that he could accept, acknowledge, forgive, and release it. Freed from the shackles of the maladaptive behavior strategy by feeling and releasing the energy it was protecting, he jauntily sped off to enjoy his newfound perspective and freedom. Later that same week, here is the review he posted to my Google business profile:

You Should Choose Dr. Leit I came to Dr. Leit because I was having trouble in my job, career, and with my manager. She uncovered problems that stem from specific events in my childhood, of which I was aware, but the degree to which they were disrupting my adult life I didn’t understand. She brilliantly improved my understanding of how these events were triggering self-sabotaging behaviors. She then walked me through some techniques to disrupt the patterns I had created in my life. I have only two regrets. a) That I did not come to her sooner, and b) that I don’t really have a good reason to see her again. She’s a wonderful person, and I am better for having known her. Choose Dr. Leit.

A great deal of my sensitivity to the emotional needs of my clients stems from my own inner work. My clients have heard me tell the story about when I first signed up to run the Austin Marathon in 2007. Much to my great surprise, I promptly burst into tears for 45 minutes. After that, I got up, wiped the mascara smudges from my cheeks, resolutely did the six-month training and ran the race. In retrospect, I believe that, in those 45 minutes, I cried away the emotional wall or block that stood in the way of me realizing my physical potential. When I decided to surpass what I thought I was physically capable of, the wall had to dissolve. Hence the tears served as a release of fear. Once gone, a new level of freedom and potential was available.

Our ego can take us far…some egos farther than others…but there is always a limit to how far a ego-based motivation can go. We can think of this as a type of block, or wall. Ego defenses can keep us from feeling fear and anxiety…from knowing/befriending our weaknesses and limitations. The ego has us posture and defend instead of reveal and connect. Ego will not take us to truest place of loving ourselves and others. Ego fears that showing others our weaknesses will make us vulnerable to attack, pain, or even death. In some cases, this is true.

Walls exist and can be intimidating. Take, for example, the Berlin Wall. It effectively worked to separate a nation for decades…until the fall of 1989 when conditions were ripe for change and the East Germans joyfully and courageously claimed their freedom…beginning the wave that later led to the reunification of Germany. Even the strongest walls are not forever. What walls are keeping you from realizing, recognizing, claiming, enjoying? Deep down, I believe that we all know what we are capable of. I encourage you to gently, joyfully claim freedom and get vulnerable enough to let your walls fall.

What about those that would take advantage of our weaknesses and kick us when we’re down? I like the saying “Accept all, but choose the best.” My advice is to not take bullies and critics personally, accept them, allow them to learn their lessons away from you, and try to minimize damage from any level of exposure. When you are under attack, it can be helpful to remember that we all act out at times. We have each probably acted at least a bit critical or controlling in the past. Acceptance and compassion is one way to cope. Clear, firm boundaries to protect your interests are important as well. Fearful people are not strong and they suffer, struggling constantly to gain and keep control because they are terrified. The goal is live more in love than fear.

Are you willing to reclaim your life and not allow fear and the shoulds and supposed to bes to dictate? What if instead of worrying about looking good at every moment, you open to doing whatever it takes in the short term for your life can be more than it is right now? What if you can do more, love more, feel more, grow more than you ever dreamed? Wouldn’t it be fantastic if you don’t have to repeat the same old dysfunctional patterns day in, day out…letting decades pass without any substantial positive changes or shifts?

I want to propose that we all get real and work towards ongoing progress, not perfection. You have far more vitality, potential, and strength than you know! Ironically, uncovering it requires vulnerability. Uncommon courage is called for in the heroic quest to become real. That said, the path doesn’t have to be as difficult as you might fear. Process, not perfection! This is a way to be ambitious and improve while staying gentle with ourselves. Embracing what is, celebrating your strengths, and seeking help to overcome limitations is very powerful.

I love empowering people to overcome blocks and achieve their goals. If you feel stuck in any area, I am happy to use all of my various skills and tools to guide you as you learn to increasingly trust yourself and free yourself from limiting contexts, patterns of thought, and behaviors. I can help you relax and move forward in your life toward mental, physical, and relational health in ways that support your optimal potential. There’s no need to suffer in silence… please contact me for if you’re feeling stressed and stuck. Just let me know what’s happening and we can take it from there.

Warm regards,

Lisa

Weight gain can happen quickly or creep slowly up on us over the years…until we are take honest stock of where we are and realize that it is far from where we want to be. Our moments of truth might come as we look at the scale in shock or find ourselves buying clothes several sizes larger than “normal.” Perhaps the gain is a result of chronic or situational stress, or events such as childbirth, injury, depression, or a lack of work/life balance.

I relate to all of you who are working hard to shed pounds; as of this morning, I have lost 28 of the 30 pounds I gained in 2009. How did I gain 30 pounds in one year? Well, what a good question. I am honestly not sure! My focus that year was building my private practice to a point where it could be self-sustaining while working full time at UT Austin. Perhaps I made a decision to put my physical health on the backburner for the short term in order to realize my professional goals. I’m not really certain, but it was an opportunity for me to see how hard I could be on myself and how unproductive it was. Far from being empowering, my critical judgments of myself for the weight gain were so depressing that I would eat more instead of less!

I am an avid advocate of health and wellness, but I think that we often are unduly harsh in judging on the basis of weight. As being overweight is often an evident and public condition, it is easier to profile and scapegoat this imbalanced population more than others (such as alcoholics, workaholics, drug addicts, narcissists or even sociopaths). This is unfortunate as weight gain can frequently precede an important shift in identity or a stage in recovery. Courtney Love’s exasperation is a poignant example: “I’m clean and sober for over a year and no one seems to care! They’re like, ‘Oh, her dramatic weight gain.’ So, stop making fun of me!”

During the year of “The Gain” I found myself frequently having to engage in self –to-self pep talks in which I would reassure myself that I was still me, loveable, loving, capable, and adequate regardless of the numbers on my scale on any given day. Even with my constant coaching, deep down I was ashamed of gaining weight and I was actually very critical of myself. Even though I was proud of myself for my hard work to grow my business, it is amazing in retrospect that negativity about the weight gain kept me from being truly positive about the way that things were going.

Okay, so that’s how I gained the 30 pounds. How did I lose 28 of it so far? After getting my practice to a point where I could leave my other UT position, I decided to get back down to the weight that I believe is healthy for my height and build. I found that the pivotal moment when I began to lose the weight occurred when I decided to accept my body unconditionally and forgive myself for gaining the weight. I had a colleague hypnotize me to prep me for success as well. I was then able to get down to the work of gradually releasing and losing it. Interestingly, I found that for the first time in my life I had relative peace during the process because I decided to be patient with myself and loving no matter what. Now that I am so close to my goal, I feel happy and more confident, but it doesn’t really change much about how I feel about my identity. This core confidence has helped me to love other people more unconditionally as well, which has greatly improved my effectiveness as a life coach.

Seeing how powerful this shift has been in my own life, I have incorporated connecting to core essence, acceptance, and forgiveness into all of my holistic breath work and hypnotherapy with clients and am seeing great results. Via gentle relaxation techniques to quiet the body and mind, hypnosis allows clients to activate the power of the subconscious mind–the 90-95% of consciousness not readily accessible in the waking state. Bringing the light of consciousness into the archives of the mind helps me to empower clients to discover and remove blocks and to help them visualize and believe that they can and will achieve their goals. Research has found that individuals who use hypnosis for support are six times more effective in their weight loss efforts than those who do not.

I teach clients that, as Eckhart Tolle wrote in The Power of Now, it is a mistake to employ negativity in making positive changes. What we resist persists, so acceptance and forgiveness allows us to release our negative thoughts, beliefs, and the attachment to whatever is troubling us. When we release negativity, we are liberated to choose health and happiness in the present moment.

I am thrilled to be so close to my own weight loss goals, and I am extremely proud of my courageous clients as they release fear, accept where they are, forgive themselves for gaining the weight, and work diligently to achieve their desired results.

I love empowering people to lose weight, and in many other ways. If you feel stuck in any area, I am happy to use all of my various skills and tools to guide you as you learn to increasingly trust yourself and free yourself from limiting contexts, patterns of thought, and behaviors. I can help you relax and move forward in your life toward mental, physical, and relational health in ways that support your optimal potential. There’s no need to suffer in silence… please contact me for if you’re feeling stressed and stuck. Just let me know what’s happening and we can take it from there.

Warm regards,

Lisa

Please visit my website at http://www.drlisaleit.com for more information. Feel free to contact me at (512) 921-3630 to discuss how I can help and/or feel free to register for and use my online scheduling system to set up an appointment:

https://www.securedata-trans12.com/ap/drlisaleit/index.php?page=10

If you register and book an appointment online, you will receive an email with directions to my office, payment instructions, and a link to my online intake form. Please fill out and submit the form before your initial session.

In Native American culture, hummingbirds are messengers of love, timeless joy and the Nectar of Life. They symbolize freedom, energy, wonder, and swift action. They also stand for accomplishing that which seems impossible and will teach you how to find the miracle of joyful living from your own life circumstances.

So often we are consumed with thoughts about how things should be, how people should act towards us–creating negative thought, behavior, and relationship patterns. The lesson I want to learn from the hummingbird this year is to experience the joy of my life now. I am so grateful you all are in my life and can’t wait to see what 2011 holds for all of us. May we all find love, freedom, and joy within the moments of our lives this year!

Warmest regards,

Lisa

The summer is family reunion season. Sometimes just thinking about an upcoming reunion can send your stress level soaring. Not to mention the event itself and the drama that is likely to happen. We’ll talk with Dr. Lisa Leit about how to get prepared in advance to make sure you have a good time and know how to make a graceful exit if things get rough.

Drama at Family Reunions, July 1, 2009

Because it is not legal or appropriate for me to pass any type of judgement or provide legal or expert advice, I feel that divorce mediation is only  ethical for couples that are either aware of Texas laws or who have legal guidance.  Without sufficient information about the best alternative to negotiated agreement (BATNA), there is a risk that individuals will not be able to adequately advocate for themselves.  In the interest of educated choices and equitable agreements, I always encourage couples to consult a collaborative lawyer, or to seek advice from lawyers individually.   Attorney representation is not necessary, but the presence of  a lawyer or lawyers during my mediation sessions is encouraged. I recommend having mediated Memorandums of Understanding reviewed by individual legal counsel prior to your signing the agreement. In practice, it works best for mediating parties to obtain one to four hours of individual legal advice throughout the mediation process. This legal advice may be best obtained early in the mediation, by legal counsel’s review of a near-final draft Agreement, and by counsel’s review of the final Agreement. This level of consultation dramatically elevates clients’ comfort and confidence in the final agreement.  This is especially important if children are involved, or if they are working to extricate from any particularly complicated business and personal involvements.

With my stance on the importance of obtaining sufficient legal support made clear, there are a number of resources available to couples wishing to represent themselves in the divorce process (Pro Se Litigants).  The following information is intended to assist parties to comfortably, confidently, and effectively represent themselves in mediation.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR TRAVIS COUNTY, TEXAS PRO SE LITIGANTS IN DIVORCE

PRO SE DIVORCE HANDBOOK:  REPRESENTING YOURSELF IN FAMILY COURT
Produced As A Public Service By The Texas Young Lawyers Association 2002-2003
This informative handbook provides information for those representing themselves in a simple
(uncontested) divorce, along with discussions about division of marital property and issues
concerning children.

WHAT TO EXPECT IN A TEXAS FAMILY LAW COURT
Produced As A Public Service By The Texas Young Lawyers Association
Navigating your way through a family law case can be confusing during what is often a stressful
and emotional time in your life. Not knowing what to expect can make it even harder.
This handout is intended to help you understand what you can expect when you have a case in
Texas family law court.

DO-IT-YOURSELF COURT FORMS FREE
Click the above link to access free forms from The Travis County Law Library. The Library is developing new forms for the web site all the time. If a form is not on this site, you can visit them in the Travis County Courthouse. You may copy any forms in the Law Library for 20 cents per page.

TEXAS DIVORCE WORKSHEET AND LAW SUMMARY FOR CONTESTED OR UNCONTESTED CASES
For under $25, this Divorce Worksheet and Law Summary for Contested or Uncontested Cases is a package that contains the following: information about divorce in general, definitions, visitation, child support, child custody as well as other matters. Worksheets are also included that include detail information and financial forms. Ideal for a client interview/information form, or for you to complete prior to an interview with an attorney. This package is also ideal for you to read and complete before attempting your own divorce.

ONLINE FREE DIVORCE CALCULATORS:

FREE SALE OF HOME CALCULATOR

FREE ALIMONY RECAPTURE CALCULATOR

FREE MONTHLY PAYMENT CALCULATOR

FREE ALIMONY BUY-OUT CALCULATOR

FREE INCOME AND TAX CALCULATOR

FREE PROPERTY DIVISION CALCULATOR

A Common Job Stress Scenario

Tina had recently been promoted, and had been working long hours. Her life became imbalanced, and she began to feel exhausted–experiencing splitting migraines and fitful bouts of sleep. She tried to push through and ignore the problems, but her performance at work began to suffer, and she became increasingly irritable–even around her family and friends. Tina needed her job and didn’t feel like she could risk taking time off or afford to slow down and fall behind. She felt like she needed to escape and recharge for a little while. Tina was manifesting early warning signs of the type of stress that could lead to chronic health problems. Like most employees at some point, she was in fact, depleted from the unnatural pace of the contemporary work environment, and in actuality, desperately needed to reconnect with nature.

Job Stress-A Prevalent Problem

Job stress has become a common and costly problem in the American workplace, leaving few workers untouched. For example, recent work surveys have revealed the following:

• 40% of workers report that their job is “very or extremely stressful.”

• 26% of workers report they are “often or very often burned out or stressed out” by their work.

• 29% of workers report they feel “quite a bit or extremely stressed” at work.

All humans respond to stressful situations as threats that require either a ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ response. Hormones are released to prepare individuals for either response, causing them to specifically become alert and poised for combat or escape. This pre-programming serves a vital function, and therefore, the catalytic experience of occasional stressful events is, generally speaking, not harmful to the individual. However, problems tend to occur when people remain in long-term stressful situations, which specifically cause the body to remain in an elevated state of ‘fight-or-flight’ arousal. Such a prolonged physical state can result in exhaustion and a compromised immune system. Contemporary workplaces tend to be consistently fast-paced and demanding, and thereby, environments that routinely expose workers to long-term stress.

Studies specifically reveal a relationship between job stress and chronic health problems such as cardiovascular disease, musculoskeletal problems, and psychological disorders. Early warning signs of job stress typically include mood and sleep disturbances, work injuries, digestive problems, headaches, short temper and depression. Such accumulated stress not only puts employees like Tina at risk, but is very costly to companies. Low morale and high turnover can also result from job stress, and a previous report from a leading labor statistics clearinghouse manifested that workers who must take time off work because of stress, anxiety, or a related disorder will usually be off the job for approximately 20 days.

Ecotherapy—A Solution for Balance Restoration and Daily Stress Management

Many people intuitively seek time outside to decompress; gardening, golfing, swimming, cycling, running, hiking are a few examples. These activities quiet the mind and help relax the body. Ecotherapy, which is based on the emerging field of ecopsychology, simply builds on such instincts to seek healing outdoors. Ecotherapy harnesses the healing power of ‘wild’ places to help individuals find balance, connection, and guidance, by deepening their relationship with the natural world. A Pulitzer Prize-winning sociobiologist lended theoretical support to this therapeutic approach, asserting that people have ‘biophilia’–an intrinsic biological need to be in contact with nature.

Nature, in biophilic theory, holds the key to health and satisfaction. Ecotherapy enables participants to strengthen their sense of connectivity and responsibility towards both the environment and their own health, through direct external experiences with nature and transformative therapy.

The combination helps align individuals with their intrinsic, innate intelligence. Ecotherapy is essentially a “de-frag” function for disconnected, depleted individuals, that helps them to reconnect with restorative systems. The goal of Ecotherapy is to help such individuals return to their daily lives–with stress-management coping strategies grounded in the wisdom of nature.

Ecotherapy Retreats

Ecotherapy retreats, generally, are restorative ecotherapy events that are conducted in untouched, natural environments, and accompanied by, a) cleansing, chef-prepared cuisine; b) deep sleep; and, c) interactive outdoor activities (“adventures”). Each retreat should also include guided imagery, breath work, workshops, reframing activities, and ample time for relaxation. The best ecotherapy retreats for individuals and corporate groups are custom-designed, to optimally realign the participants with rejuvenating natural forces, and provide them with personalized strategies to manage the daily stresses of their particular lives.

The four main goals for a successful ecotherapy retreat should be, to: 1) harness ecological wisdom to release tension and promote sustainable lifestyle patterns; 2) provide participants with opportunities for personal healing and transformation; 3) reawaken a sense of interdependence and provide support for participants (as they learn to work with others in diffusing their sense of isolation); and, 4) on the larger scale, foster a sense of responsibility for the environment. Ecotherapy and Ecotherapy retreats are viable, contemporary, de facto green coaching processes, that can enable any employee or team of employees to alleviate accrued, debilitating job stress, and re-establish their connection with themselves and the natural world.

Please contact me to learn more about Ecotherapy for your individual needs or to design a custom Ecotherapy retreat.